Hello everyone... Today I think I cried and screamed out alot of anger i had built up over the past year or two. Lately ive been worried about missing out on everything in life or at least in my youth. I feel as I dont move or im not living and im gonna change it. Im gonna start hanging out with my friends from school and try to have fun. Biggest thing I think is me wanting a girlfriend. I know it sounds dumb to say it but im putting whats on my mind put here. I wanna say thank you to the clock crew and lock legion for all the memories and teaching me to animate. However ive started to realize something. This metal/punk/edgelord/redneck/antipc/loner life im living aint working and it might be the source of my problems or maybe i dwell on all of it too much. I need to socialize, yes i do this alot online but you get way more out of having a face to face convo than a text message. Social media brings the world together but it pushes those away from you apart. Anyway im also gonna try to spend time with my family. I think being nice to them and just saying I love and care about them and being with them could do alot for me. But I often go to my dads house on the weekend because my kitten lives there but I can only really do stuff when at my moms. When over there I dont have friends in the neighborhood, we dont go out and do anything, and my grandma who lives with us is paranoid so she isint very social and never leaves. Im worried I could be in her place someday. Im not disrespecting my grandma or my dad I love them with all my heart but I need to make a choice. Either be at my moms even more but not see my kitty or give up on life over a cat. For a long time ive done the one for my cat but im not healthy the way im living. Im gonna stay at my moms some more anf hopefully stuff will get better. But I actually need to go outside and idk what to do. I also have very little free time because of homework and my job. Im scared of having to quit for school and im scared of somehow being fired. Im just worried because ive been lying to my parents about doing my homework before work and either I aint done shit or got very little done and i fail it like im going to do tommorow when morning comes. Anyway back to my lifestyle. Im told not to wear a spiky patched up jacket to school because of various reasons. But it feels like im not supposed to be myself. But if I cant be myself who do I be? Also my opinions on religion. Ive never been very religious but ive always saw myself as Christian or Baptist. But for awhile now I feel ive been straying away from god and closer to satan. Ive gotten really into black metal and almost bought a Norwegian flag to hang upside down. Ive made art and other shit with pentagrams and upside down crosses. Hell I litteraly potray myself on the internet as a demon. Am i a Satanist? I dont think so but its like I find comfort or something in this shit so what do I do. Im worried about my afterlife but I dont want to give up my life if that makes any sense.
Anyway im not sure where im going with this im just putting this out to make me feel better
tl;dr I need better social skills